My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
