You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
