my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
