If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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