how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
