Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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