he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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