FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
