A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
