I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He better not be in your backpack
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
