im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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