I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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