We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I am one with the molecules
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
