either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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