in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
