just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
