her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
