Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
