I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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