I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
