He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
