I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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