I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
