Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
