They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
