He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
