it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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