my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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