I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
