yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
