it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
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i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
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Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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