I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
