i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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