I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
