i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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