and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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