You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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