I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
