the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
