I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
