I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
