tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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