she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
