Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
