In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
