Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.