Plan B is the new Plan A
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
