I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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