no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
