If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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