I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
