Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
