nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So much Jack, so little girl.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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