I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
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Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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