i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
