Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
