proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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