hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
