I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
