"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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